Seriously, in light of Boston Commentgate, some questions, and feel free to try and answer them--

-- Um, did anyone expect the Boston Comment column to be actually intelligent or analytical, having read the previous columns? It's a gossip column, is all I'm saying.

-- Has anyone made the connection that without her WDS bully pulpit, she'd be faculty advisor for some community college literary annual?

-- Or making the rounds at podunk summer writing conferences, forever yammering on and on in workshops led by shitty poets about the "narrative" of impressionistic poems that elude her? And if said narrative, after being explained or being sufficiently head-hammered in the first place, did not fulfill a list of criteria for acceptable and sufficiently transcendent narrative, have to hear Hot Lipsians go on and on about "meaning" and a poem "making something happen." The Hot Lips-types are everywhere -- a strand of people who actually read poetry, to their merit, but only to get some pragmatic fix, recipes for their own "successful" writing careers, their own poems rather than, like, enjoyment or inspiration.

-- Finally: Did anyone think this latest Boston Comment on the experimental poets or whatever to be a sucker punch after flogging all over those so-called sucky poets like Philip Levine et al? Phooey, shame on the PoMo hobos who bobbed their head back then, I say. Fuckin' Levine rocks all over my ass. Read "Facts" from What Work Is (page 29). We can forgive this master for having crappy books. We do it for people like Creeley, yes?

-- Am I the only one who thinks the conversation on this column has sucked total ass? All the Possum Pouch infighting just seems like people proving more experimental and more reified or some shit, which, sadly, seems to be proving Hot Lips' point. Or at least that the fallout is a social one, not even aesthetic.

I truly used to think that this elemental thing called "love" was some sort of myth, or perhaps a trick your mind plays on you to make procreation of the species easier.
Then I met Julia.

(I still love the way it rolls off the tongue. It was even better when she said it with her light southern accent. I'd often mispronounce it so she'd feel forced to correct me...)

It wasn't love at first sight; it was a gradual thing. Being friends was initially fine with me until I saw beneath her quiet exterior. She wasn't an outgoing person but she was insanely creative, and was only able to get that inner voice out through indirect ways. Just like me.

We shared one outlet in the midst of it all: poetry.

So we went on, writing poem after poem. In truth, most of them weren't very good -- but they got the point across, and in much smoother fashion than either of us could have done face to face.

It went like this, a game of cat and mouse, for nearly two months, until after several late-night cries we finally broke and admitted that we were in love. It was almost like we were both ashamed of it, as if it was going against our moral beliefs. I think that's because it was the first time for both of us.

They say that losing your virginity is traumatic, but falling in love is worse in many ways. At least it was for me ... because here I was, trapped in the northwest, and she was going to school in North Carolina.

Yeah, love.

Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad had we lived next door to each other. Hell, in the same state would've been nice, but it didn't work that way.

Now it's a few months after we said our good-byes and the only thing I've got left is a sour taste in my mouth and a scrapbook full of pictures and poems.

Something tells me it's not supposed to happen this way.

what's goin' on with me...
Walking on the treadmill twice a day now... not a lot at one time though... about a 20 minute mile each time.

Saw the 'new' doc yesterday and he wants me to raise the lithium.. he thinks I am still in a manic phase and the 300 mg of lithium isn't cutting it. So have to raise that. He was really nice and I was bummed because he's leaving the place. I knew this before hand but I didn't expect to like him.. lol... they don't even have a replacement as of yet. Will go back in a month but counseling continues next week. She's nice too. Guess they have to be good because there are a lot of HIGHLY crazy people there and mentally handicapped too.. guess I fit right in.. lol.

Down pretty bad yesterday but I think it's PMS. Niiiiiice.

Other than that not much else to say except I am pretty tired which is why I haven't been able to update this as frequently as I should. I just am exhausted. I force myself to do the treadmill but I just would rather be sleeping. If the day was 5 hours long and the rest was sleeping I would be ok. Jason said that's exactly how my mom was.. and he's right... ugh.

I am also very bored. Which I have no right to be because I have so much to do... but it's a weird restlessness inside. I think it's the abilify and I am stopping it today.. can't feel like that anymore.

ok, will do better to write more soon

Here's a picture of my girls for Halloween... aren't they cute? :

the circumference of my gut
Well I have gained an extra 10 pounds since starting lithium. Is this what I have to look forward to?? I do not want to go through a med change again so I am going to see what happens when I get the treadmill and see what a week of using it does. If I can lose anything.. one pound is all I will have hope that I'll be ok.

"fat and happy"- that does not apply to me. I don't think it would be possible for me to be fat and happy. I know many men like fat girls but the more I gain the more depressed I get. The more sick I get... then the more I eat. Sugar has to go... if not completely, I have got to make a serious effort to stop consuming it.

I now have omega 3 to try and am taking 3000 mg a day. It's supposed to help with neurotransmitter stuff... we shall see. My moods are still ok... just still struggling physically. The fatigue is pretty bad and the tummy stuff gets to me but I still am remaining hopeful.

Busy day today, as was yesterday. That is always a challenge for me. We are going to a halloween party tonight... not too nervous about it because it's mostly adults.. no children. I panic when the girls are around other children and more so lately. Probably a combination of the time of year, they haven't been sick in months, and the med changes.

Other than that not much going on... I get to go to walmart this morning.. woohooo.. lol!